Come Out, Come Out wherever you are!
On one of the discussions forums there was a long discussion on ‘is there a need to come out?’. It was very interesting to read the different views. What I had not expected was a lot of people actually arguing that its not really necessary to come out, either explicitly or implicitly.
Some of the arguments were
1. It might hurt my parents. Do they really deserve that pain?
2. My gay life is very separate from my ‘normal’ life. So unless there is too much marriage pressure or something like that, what is the need to come out
3. It might alienate friends/family. Why complicate life?
4. My straight friends do not state that they are straight. Why should I need to talk/tell about my sexual orientation?
In my personal opinion, each person who comes out to someone else, is doing his bit for the gay civil-rights movement.
Yes, coming out might cause hurt to people who care for you. But what is the cause of that hurt. It is not due to the son/daughter who comes out. Rather is the the social training in which even the parents are entrenched; a training that makes us think that heterosexuality is "normal" and all alternate expressions are deviant. It is the social rules and even laws that regard homosexuality as a sin, punishable by law (in some countries). It is the lack of everyday visibility of gays and gay relationships that leads parents to believe that their gay kid will never be happy or coupled. So let us not blame coming out or the gay child for their hurt.
Would it not be worse, to lead a lie in your parents eyes? Would they not be hurt more if they learn very late in life, that they never really knew who their son/daughter was, and their child never felt the closeness or confidence to confide in them?
As for gay life being separate from "normal" life I don’t have much to say, save that (as far as I am concerned) I think of life as a whole, and not segregated into gay and straight compartments. Plus coming out is not something that is a last defense of a homosexual cornered into marriage! It is the sharing of something that is important to you. It is the explicit declaration that the person no longer wants to hide behind the implicit assumption of heterosexuality.
Of course, straight people do not have to announce their heterosexuality openly and in so many words. and yet, they can do so without fear of repercussion. When a guy boasts about how many girls he has slept with, is he not declaring his heterosexuality ? If the situation is really so neutral, why is it that a gay couple has to often think twice before holding hands at a public place while for a straight couple public display of affection is considered natural?
In a society where straight is the norm, and anything away from the norm is looked down upon, silence is the privilege of those who conform to the norm, for others it is the oppression. This silence is not one that says "it is not an issue"; rather the silence shouts out, "If you are different, do not show it; stay invisible, blend in, even if it means crushing your true self"
One could argue that with the media coverage of gay issues, and with shows like "Will and Grace" where is the invisibility? But really is a token Will and Grace show (a show in which the lead gay role is hardly ever shown to exhibit his gay side, except in campy behavior)enough for visibility? And the media coverage is largely due to either side of the political divide in this country trying to gain political mileage by either bashing or backing the gay rights. Its not all bleak though, and things are changing but there is still a long way to go.
There are organizations like HRC, NGLTF and such fighting for gay rights and legislation protecting against hate crimes and discrimination, but all the laws we could make might still not change the public opinion, which is finally the measure of social change.
It is in bringing about this social change that coming out can really make a difference. Many people have lost their lives just for being who they are. It is when a friend or member of family or someone close comes out that we can put a face to the gay community. It no longer remains this alien deviant thing they talk about in the news. For many of my friends I was the first person who told them he was gay. I was their first contact to the gay community. And it did a lot in placing the gay issues on a human and personal footing for them.
Make no mistake. It is not easy. my mother wept for months after I came out. It took her 1.5 years to completely accept my sexuality without subconsciously associating it with deviant behavior. But a few days ago I got a copy of a letter from her: she had written the letter to the editor of a Hindi weekly newspaper which had published an article with gross misinformation about homosexuality and the gay community. Her letter demonstrated a very good understanding of issues facing the gay community and she pointwise countered the misconceptions and misgivings expressed in the article. Such is the transforming effect of coming out. It almost forces people who love you to jump to the forefront of social understanding of sexuality and broaden their outlook. It is this social change I am talking about. And this does not happen in Congress. It happens in small living rooms.
Coming out could spark a dialogue among people who care for you. Some of your friends may confront their friends who make homophobic comments, thus increasing the sphere of social awareness. And finally awareness and education is what leads to change in general attitude in society.
Silence is a privilege of the majority. For the minority silence is equivalent to denying your true identity and blending in. This silence is deafening.
August 30th, 2005 at 10:10 am
Hey Ayush,
I agree with all the positive repercussions that coming out can have on society as a whole, and the increased honesty in your personal life. But you can’t make people feel guilty that they are not joining the bandwagon.
Coming out remains a painfully personal choice. One does it for oneself, and those that one cares about. Not for social benefit. Your basic argument that coming out is the best course of action is a sound one. . .not coming out involves living a lie, and possibly hurting more people in the long run. But in most individual instances, this choice may not be as cut and dried as you put it. The consequences of coming out involve balancing pros and cons. . .a balancing act that the individual has to do after much soul searching. And live with its consequences. To trivialize this balancing choice is to call all those who haven’t come out, fools. I don’t think that’s what you mean.
Minorities speaking out has been the basis for many a civil rights movement. And that is a beautiful thing. Apparently only 1 in 10 Indians spoke out or did anything against British rule. . . the remaining 90% were fairly content with the way things were. Thank God that 10% did speak out. They helped create a free and wonderful country. But the remaining 90% were just trying to lead a decent life, stay out of trouble. It’s not heroic. . .but it is okay.
I guess my point is. . .that there isn’t a “should” here. Like “You should come out.” There are certainly a lot of good reasons why you should come out. . .and your post mentions many of them. But should people choose to blend in. . . let them. To any action there are consequences. . .winners and losers. And all I am saying is respect people’s choices. . .no matter how stupid they may sound. It is a human right to make these (sometimes stupid) decisions.
August 30th, 2005 at 11:59 am
I could not agree more with you Pal. I never intended to chastise those who are not coming out. That was not the intention, though on second thoughts my posting could be percieved as such. I can understand that personal reasons, situations, financial-independence constraints and such like can hold back a person from coming out. If these personal reasons are stated, I have nothing to say.
My arguments were against some of the other rationals that people would give not to come out. For example the rational that since my straight friend does not have to say that he is heterosexual, I too do not need to say it. That there is a real difference in the two situations is what I wanted to point out.
Also, the feeling that how is anyone else affected by one’s coming out? … the fact is that each person coming out IS making a real difference, maybe indirect, in the lives of many others who are still struggling in the closet.
In spite of all the benefits of coming out, it is an intensely personal decision and is best made not in haste bit with proper thought and deliberation. I am not to judge those who are in the closet, but if BS arguments are put forward as shields that is something that I don’t really need to entertain, right?
My argument was more against “There is no real need to come out, though one could if they wished”
September 3rd, 2005 at 8:59 pm
Let me see now! Ayush one sound thing you said was that you cannot segregate life into “gay” and “straight” and that you have to be honest about your identity. In a previous post you have emphasized on an individual being able to “self identify”. Heres a question for you. What happens if a gay man “self identifies” with some category X where sexuality is not the driving factor. Yet X is what drives him. Then clearly as time passes, whether he is gay or not becomes mostly irrelevant and declaring it out of the blue could at best feel odd. None of that implies that he is not for equal civil rights or that when faced with homophobia he will not speak up(as should anybody in their right senses). As I have mentioned in my post before, I reiterate, the issue is not that of gay rights… its one of human rights and therefore everybody absolutely must come out as human. Then all the majority minority lines are gone and the onus is on one and all.
September 5th, 2005 at 2:19 pm
Hey Amlan, I agree with the spirit of what you are saying but there are subtleties which we should not ignore.
Whether a person comes out or not is a personal decision. If for a person his sexuality is an irrelvant part of his life and work, then indeed why should that person speak about it.
But we should not ignore/forget the subtle difference between
A> considering a topic irrelavant
B> going to lenghts and trying hard to maintain the tacit assumption of heterosexuality either by fabricating stories, or by making true statements which carry zero information.
A. and B. are not equivalent.
Let me give an example: Consider a person who self-identifies with some category X, which is not sexuality.
At a family dinner of colleagues that guy takes care not to bring his boyfriend (after all, bringing him to the party out of the blue would at best feel odd).
Say, further, when quizzed about relationships (as often happens when bosses/colleagues get chummy and all), the person feels compelled to find responses that would maintain the heterosexuality assumption.
Would you still say that the person is so absorbed in X that sexuality is not an issue?
If something is irrelvant, then a person would be careless about it. One need not wear his sexuality on his sleeve, but then one need not tear out the sleeve either if it gets a pink stain, especially if he claims it is irrelevant.
Maybe I am wrong, but most gay men who have told me that sexuality is not an issue for them, follow that by decent effort at hiding it from their family/colleagues. The effort of hiding, in my humble opinion, can at best be attributed to some level of discomfort with sexuality.
I do not grudge them that discomfort. Heck, a greater percentage of us, be gay or straight, are somewhere in-between in our journey of sexual identity development. Different levels of discomfort with different aspects of sexuality (be it one’s own or of another) is a a natural component of that process. But I would rather label my discomfort as discomfort than garb it in crafty rational. Having said that, I am no one to preach, but then my post was originally meant for an open forum where everyone was putting forth their views.
As for speaking up against homophobia, that is a slightly different matter (though it is also affected by what stage of sexual identity development a person is at). Yes, it is a matter of human rights as you mention. But that is hardly in contradiction to what I was saying.
September 5th, 2005 at 6:14 pm
i see your point…